Imagine, you are on your summer vacation in your home. But you get a notification from your phone about that guy that doesn’t do things like he says he will… no, I’m not talking about Markiplier, but from Demo VD or VocaloiDemo, so you skip the video and decide to watch it later but forget because YouTube is so overindulged with content that it’s hard to stay relevant anymore. But something happens, you hear others saying this is very important to watch, so you pull up your laptop, phone, or tv, and you sit down, waiting for your time to completely and utterly wasted like when you scroll through social media in the morning before getting out of bed, then accidentally fall back asleep, but it’s a school day so you get smacked in the face by your mom or dad while looking at them like that weird cat thing.
Demo VD means Demosthenes of VocaloiDemo. VocaloiDemo itself was created on July 19th, 2015 on the eve of very many excursions, problems, and rendezvous with love, hate, pain, and understanding. I truly did start this in the center of my life struggles. I wanted it in July because that was when I was baptized, a very important moment in my life 1 year prior. 5 months later, on my very own birthday, my grandmother would pass away from cancer. Yet 4 months after her death, I would start this YouTube channel with one goal in mind: force myself to experience the world in an anonymous way. And in a way, I gained more than if I just went outside. I made friends, loved ones, from varying nations across the planet. I met the love of my life, and we’ve been dating for 2 years, and in 5 months, 3! And I’m just writing this, with her on the other side of Discord watching videos together.
I’ve also lost a lot of people during these years… I’ve been threatened during these years… I’ve gained and lost jobs during these years… I have actually sacrificed a lot of time and effort in perfecting my skills to be something better than the competition. I have made several mistakes, by using my channel as a way to place everything I wanted to do on here, trying to take from other people’s videos while promoting them to add to my content due to my lack of skills, completely butchering names, getting called names myself, comments out of the wazoo seeping with both love, criticism, divine hate, and for some reason the spoilers for various anime.
So… 5 years in the development of VocaloiDemo. Will it be able to expand in more years? Maybe… but in the scope of things… I have gained very little growth business-wise. I have grown personality-wise, faith wise, and relationship-wise, but when it comes to actually growing VocaloiDemo to a bigger, better place, I feel like all I have sacrificed was all for pennies of what could have been. Especially when others around me grew greater power in their moments of ingenuity. I mean, I do know Vocaloid producers, and I learned how to make music, but when I go 5 years with just a little over 1,500 people watching me, which most certainly is no number to scoff at- but on the world of the internet, sadly, people do! I’ve been told it’s not a good thing to consider the numbers because it erases the humanity and people hate you for it… but I cannot express how flawed that is if your goals are to be measured, or you’re leaning on being your own boss, which I was.
It’s not the only thing I focus on, of course, because I focus on growth, but when I do that and don’t see the growth, I start to suffer mentally, physically, and spiritually. I’m not going to be stupid and say other people don’t deserve the amount of growth they’ve received, minus the ones that use it negatively, because I feel like if I stagnate for even one day, I am failing. I’ve always been that way, and it’s not just for my online growth either, but for every little thing, I do. I get a high off of completion of goals. But the high is gone…
I have completely screwed over my VocaloiDemo website in favor of YouTube… and that’s where I messed up. I have so much to write about, but with so much happening in my life, every time I get a stupid schedule going, something happens and I absolutely ruin everything. In the span of a year, I have done 0 top tens, 0 according to demo’s, 0 producers glide, and very very few meme videos… I am a worthless methodizer. I haven’t even reviewed an album within 2 years. What am I doing? Why am I here if I am not doing anything I am supposed to be doing? What’s wrong with me? I know what’s wrong.
I tried so long one thing, saw minimal results, tried something new, and due to that, I shunned the people that subscribed to me. Likely causing the horrible views, I’ve recently been getting on newer videos. It’s one thing to hope for success when nothing is happening, and then it’s a completely different thing to hope for people to watch my content to get high. Let’s face facts everyone, I’m not ok. I’m just not. I’m not saying I’m borderline commit but what I am saying is that I feel backed into a corner with no way out other than starting completely over again.
I’ve seen a lot, I’ve done a lot, I have a lot of regrets as well, wasting days and weeks on videos that just didn’t resonate with people, or were completely wrong, or were met with heavy dislikes for something I have no idea over. Fewer people comment anymore, fewer people like, but more people dislike, and frankly, I am almost close to forcing myself to turn off the sub count or like count just for my own sanity, but it won’t work because YouTube just puts it right in your face every time you log in. With anyone else, they’d just give up. I mean, Twitter is dead, Facebook is dead, Patreon never lived in the first place, the last email I got from anyone was an idiot stating that I should fire someone because they were a horrible person… even though I don’t hire anyone and I don’t know anyone named Sherry, to begin with, I struggle to believe my YouTube isn’t dying, and I am slowly believing that VocaloiDemo is dying… a short life, snuffed out. But then I keep thinking, what if Vocaloid itself is dying?
There’s a lot to confirm it, no one buys music so artists are basically washed up, Vocaloid creators are moving away from the iconic name, and frankly, the only reason Vocaloid isn’t dead is because of nostalgia, but like old songs in cartoons and movies from childhood, they will eventually fade away from popularity. Music is just far too packed to be of any use to a new creator like me. The Vocaloids themselves may never die, but the Vocaloid name itself, unless some extravagant miracle happens, is indeed dying, become even more niche than it was when I started. Sure, more people know of Vocaloid, but like cottage cheese, only a few people enjoy it, and I love cottage cheese.
Personally, I see Vocaloid becoming what YouTube is in the process of becoming, sectioned off into splinters. With YouTube, creators have made new video sites for guns, discussions, history, stories, drama, talking in general, stand up comedy, vlogs, all over the place due to YouTube’s plagiaristic algorithm that takes from the dreams of a potato. Vocaloid will section off, like YouTube is currently doing, at least that is what I believe… but then with that belief, you see why I regularly cry before I go to sleep almost every night- if only I were joking. Vocaloid and YouTube were my bread and my butter. Use Vocaloid as a base while making YouTube the taste… now they’re crumbling along with my struggles. It’s almost as if I am not allowed, nor deserve, such things, such fame, such security with the ability to keep myself from breaking down due to overwork, working a job, protecting my family, trying to keep myself sane, and by the time I have time for myself anymore, I gotta sleep, or I’ll ruin my sleep cycle and therefore ruin the fragility of my life.
So, in this moment of VocaloiDemo turning 5 years old, there will be nothing special, we don’t deserve anything special right now. We just need me to be a better entrepreneur because luck is shit and shit walks away from me all of the time apparently. I will try to focus on finishing the video series I have started, and I just want to say that if I am disappointing you, I’m sorry, but that’s fine. I’m disappointed in myself more than you could ever be.
But I still have faith in my growth. If you think I’m going to stop, you don’t know me very well and you should subscribe or watch more videos. My broken spirit shines brightly to where even people who don’t know what I do has affected me. I’m not taking a break, I can’t take a break, because I feel like if I take a break, I will break. This is hard, ok? So many every day people won’t do what I do and would give up out of sheer frustration. I know, because people tell me to give up just because it’s affecting me badly as if without it I would be better, which is just overlooking who I am as a person. I just feel disorganized, desperate, and in all honesty, I am. I see it in the mirror, I notice it in the uptick in supplements when I can’t find nutritious food and just shirk exercise. I want a quick fix, this is my drug, and frankly, this is my life, this is my water. I do this because I can, this whole endeavor is the encapsulant of my freedom to show I can be who I can be, to chase my dreams no matter what happens, in hopes I could just influence someone else.
I won’t lie, I’m just a hypocrite in a lot of things, saying one thing but doing another, and I hate it and I don’t know why I do it. I just don’t see any point to do things anymore if I can’t utilize my fullest potential, especially when I’m not compensated. Money comes second to me always, but when it comes to being a business in my own head, money is the sole identifier of success, not the numbers of people, and that’s the point I’m trying to make. No one believes in me that I can do this, and maybe they’re right. But no, I won’t stop, and you’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it because I am me, and you are you, and you should stop placing your ideals on my hopes and dreams. You’re not my father, even my own father believes the same but he’s just lesser than in my book. Maybe I said that because he stole my stimulus check and won’t give it to me, but that’s beside the point. I don’t hold things against people, I just don’t. I just feel too undeserving for anger or division. Have your cake and eat it too, but why can’t I have my cake?
So yeah, this is just a way to say that I am not feeling so confident right now, but I’ll come around eventually, don’t worry. I am not a worthless man, undeserving, ruthlessly irresponsible, nor a horrible person, I just want things to be secure, and nothing is ever that way with me. Maybe I’m chasing a dream, but we all chase dreams every now and then. It’s only a waste if you give up, which I’m not doing. I’ll always be growing and I’ll always be serving others. I will fall upon this sword, whether my own or the one of the world. However, in Christ, I will prevail, even if I don’t financially or actually. It’ll just be smoke and mirrors, and frankly, I’m just trying to heal.
So give me time. The schedule hasn’t changed, all videos will be on Tuesday and Friday, whichever days I can upload. Who knows when that will be. I have no schedule for anything else. We’re just winging it now. Just going to have to stay or go. Maybe we’ll meet again in the future if you leave, but overall, I love you and catch it, next time.
I knew as soon as I started that this whole thing would have a few valleys of nonexistence brought on upon my soul grasping at the air I have so forsaken to breathe. What can I say that has happened this year? Nothing has happened this year but turmoil after turmoil. Like a challenge.
Starting off, it was going pretty good- until I got a job that refused to pay me for hours of work, and then threatened to call the police because I didn’t bring back a simple hat that was their property. And this happened on my birthday of all times. I never would’ve thought that I would also change my antidepressants based on a sudden onset of jerks known as Benign Fasciculation Syndrome. But once I transferred from one antidepressant to another, my fear and an overarching sense of doom took me by the throat. I would then go on to enjoy a month of playing around with my Switch with new games that came out- only to get another job at a fast food place. They treated me like crap, and I only had 8 hours per week- don’t get me wrong, I enjoy those hours… but without proper treatment and constantly being yelled at and cursed at, in the span of 5 months, I quit after certain things happened.
My lovely Rose went homeless for a while… I am not at liberty to say why. But at the same time, my aunt went homeless as well due to a restraining order set on her by her husband. So my aunt got a job at my workplace, and with her husband constantly coming around, my safety felt at risk. And good too, because over 5 people had roofing nails in their back tires over the course of a week. And my father questions why I felt insecure? Right…
Speaking of the moaning man himself, my dad is going to have surgery on his back… but considering he hasn’t had surgery at the time of writing, and that he’s been off work for a complete 2 months already, he’s going to milk this just like my mom did at her previous job and wind up fired. And then that’ll be a section where no one will be happy. My mom, even now, is taking on 2 jobs just to support us while I find a new job. No takers currently.
Dealing with this online “career”, it’s costing more than I have. I was taken from the partner program on YouTube, but with recent changes to the algorithm, and after passing 1,000 subscribers, I only need 1,390 hours of watch time remaining until I get that sweet review of my channel. The thing is, will they approve of me? I doubt it, but I still have a lot of hope. Considering I’m going to be making a few changes to my website and my channel to better suit advertising and getting money.
You may also notice that there are no longer Patreon buttons anywhere, nor on my YouTube. That’s simply because it is useless to me now. No point in keeping it up if no one cares. And then most people beg me to stop begging for money… and they’re right. I should just look at this as a hobby and nothing else. Nothing else! The second I make a buck is a second I cry at how long it took to finally make a simple dollar from all of my hard work- and even then, profit will never be made. I spent almost thousands on programs to help edit both my videos and my music, and what has it come to? Just being lackluster, not putting enough effort even though it takes about 30 hours to even do one video. I’m not a failure at the effort, I am but a failure at luck. This YouTube and even Google game is a monster that keeps smacking me across the face, but I’m not giving up. You can’t make me give up! I’ll slash my heart out of my chest as it beats before I give up!
Some may ask why I keep going…
So you may also ask why I keep living…
I live and love for hope and faith. I refuse to give up. I missed my YouTube Channel’s 3rd birthday, I missed my website’s 4th birthday, I missed the deadline for releasing my album, now I have no money to publish it. Who can say I am a smart businessman? No one would admit it. I’ve done so much and reaped so little. One day, I will reap what I sow, and it will be grand, let’s just hope I don’t devolve into taking instead of receiving.
I’ve made friends this year, I’ve made enemies this year. Some family, some random people, some even used to be good friends until they showed their truest colors. But what can I say to them? I forgive you. For at this moment, I need to find a quiet place to forgive myself for all the wrong I’ve done in my life. Guilt overtakes me in these days. This Valley of Stay has taken me away from the bay of the flowing ocean’s sway. For new dawn, I hope God blesses us all with miracles that we can further pursue into life-changing goodness.
I just wanna say I love you all… Don’t you deny it!
Throughout the years, 3 years, in fact, I have been blessed with so many fans, friends, and so much support from so many people across the world. Today was a good day… to sleep! Not just sleep, but also have a live stream, which you can check out the video below. Anyway, I have completely shifted focus this year. I tried and ultimately failed, to upload daily in April 2018… but my computer cord went capooty halfway through the month. I was so close, too! And then I got sick after I got my cord. But everything turned out ok!
So, what I wanna say is, I have so many ideas, that it is almost to keep all in line. Perfect time to lay it all out in the cabinet I love so much. I’m just randomizing my speech!
I released a horrible album this year! This was before I knew what keys were, not to mention modes, emotion, and tempo’s. Music is the defining feature of my website and channel. Music creates my imagination, forming into words and emotions that cannot be spoken. I often wonder, the amount of power stored within my ever growing mind, to fully understand the harmonics of each individual key of symmetry of the tone. Let’s look back, at all of the things that happened this year…
Well, the starting of this past year, I started new things. I had interesting ideas about the future. The future would kick me! I went into 2 downtimes. August 31st, 2017 was Hatsune Miku 10th birthday. So much was happening in the Vocaloid community celebrating Hatsune Miku. I also did a lot of other things, including a bunch of videos and requests- I really should have done more!
I’ll make a better this year. If nothing explodes. But if they do, humor towards me, humor will be your friend. So, let’s make the best out of this or at least however much we have left, in 2018. I still can’t believe it’s been 3 years! I met wonderful people, including someone special, my SoniLoid! My Girlfriend! And I met more people, producers, and started to get more professional.
So many things went great, so many things went wrong. It was like riding a rollercoaster with Barbara Mandrell! I’ll leave out the bad things that happened because I don’t wanna go into it. But I will say, I just loved having friends. Now that most things leveled out for me, I can start doing things better!
I released Season’s Mist, and I thought it was kinda bad… but others thought that some songs were and almost confused me. Songs like You’re Warm, Serpent of My Heart, and the best one on the album to a lot of people, Imaginary Life, were great! And there are a lot of issues, but I intend to redo it with the upcoming Producer’s Edition releasing: I dunno
I also released Embrace (single) for my new album Embrace (album). I released the album art, which took me around 3 weeks to do. I want to release it later in 2018. It’s gonna be on a shirt on my merch store! Oh, and I opened a Merch Store at TeeSpring.com!
We went that Doki Doki Craze- what took others 2 hours to do, I took 15 hour long episodes. And then, I lost my computer cord… I had an entire schedule to upload daily. I was going so good, I gained 70 subs within that time… and then KABLOOSKI, it died!
So without going on to long, I have learned a lot. I value each and every person. And I love you all, even those that unsubbed because of whatever reason! I love you all, whether you like or not… I will love against your will. Not really… unless you want me too.
Let’s make this the best of the best!
Thank you so much for being here with me!
2 years ago, I thought I’d make a hobby- it turned into a job- and then lo and behold, I’m making my first Vocaloid album! I can’t thank anyone enough who’ve helped me along the way. With all of the majestic pretenses with a musical tone, I’ve been accepted by so many people and I wanna cry an ocean. Good thing this is in writing~
It’s been a rough ride this year, seeing as how I failed to review more albums than I wanted. More to the point I didn’t make as many Top 10 videos as I wanted either. This is a crap ton of work you know! But over the year, I’ve dealt with aches, pains, losses, and complete breakdowns due to the stress. It’s not all bad though because just making it one year made me so excited I peed my pants… I don’t do that often, and when I do, my bladder’s either full and can’t get to the bathroom on time or I’m just not paying attention… Speaking of which, I should empty the tank now (”o_o)
But besides my total disappointment in myself, I also lost my grandmother. For hardcore fans of mine, I know you’re there, you’d know that my father’s mother died not 6 months after starting this business. My mother’s mother died not too long ago… last Monday on July 10, 2017, to be precise. So it’s all still fresh in my mind. But no matter what ails me when I lay my head down and cuddle with my body pillow… which is just bland and white- I’ll know I have support wherever I need it from friends and family that have pushed me along. You guys complete me!
I’ve met so many wonderful people. I and Whisper-P got to know each other and started Voca-P… which is about to get revved up here pretty soon. My YouTube… well, it’s growing, nothing much I can say else. I also started so much work on my Vocaloid album, my Daily Life of a Goddess’ Secretary series, my recording studio which is also my room- I have a recliner in my room now ( ^3^)
Let’s get one thing straight here: I’m not good at keeping promises when it comes to working. But what I will put out from here on will be my very best I can make it. My love for this job will not falter! My love for you will not subside, and that is what makes me happy. So one eve of year 2, I’ll take a rest from my worries so I can fully jump back in the water because running on concrete provides faceplants to something that doesn’t move too good…
Here’s to a new year!
One year ago today, which is currently July 19, 2016- which would make the birth of the site at July 19, 2015- I started my journey to being the best Vocaloid review site… but after one year I’m still on baby steps. Sure I’ve done over 30 reviews and such, but within a year… I’m kinda disappointed! I could have done more if everything didn’t turn out the way it did in my life last year! My grandmother died on my birthday, I was failing college and had to pay thousands of dollars to stay in, and other stuff I would not like to mention how life took a giant milk carton and slammed it up against my face and anywhere else it hurt!
Now, onto the thank you’s!
I have talked to some awesome people in the Vocaloid community. I feel that I am starting to make a difference, but still baby steps! I can safely say that with all my email subscribers, subscribers on YouTube, followers on social media, and anyone who doesn’t follow me, but visits often, I can say how proud I am to be here doing what I do! And I will make a conscious effort to do better this year! I would like to thank each and every one of you individually, but that would take a while… so Imma just gonna bunch everyone in a box together and say, “I’m so happy we have come to meet! I promise I will try to make your experience, even more, better than the last year!” And for those finding out about this after the fact… I’m sure you’ll like it here!
I must give one hell of a thank you to Wealthy Affiliate for showing me how to create this website and everything else! They have an awesome and tightknit community willing to come to your aid when you need it! Hey, they have emails sent out when someone asks a question or posts a blog! I have to say, Wealthy Affiliate changed my life for the better! It’s just that life outside the interverse was near destructive on my health! Anyway, this is thank you to all of those who helped me on Wealthy Affiliate, especially to Marcus from www.workfromhomewatchdog.com where I first heard about it, and thanks to Carson and Kyle (the creators of Wealthy Affiliate) for coming to welcome me personally- you don’t get that anywhere else!
Well… I have said my peace, and it has been a fun year! And it will be even funner this coming year! I think you’ll come back!
Sawbat, you’re too big!